Dick Pinto and his Boomerang

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Four Blokes in Search of a Plot
Created Live at 
Casa Primicias, Javea on the 1st of Feb 2020
‘Dick Pinto and his Boomerang.’

    The one thing Dick Pinto never wanted to see when he woke up in the morning was Dick Pinto. However, every morning, no matter what, there he was, staring back at him from the mirror. 
    This morning, though, was different. He still had that feeling of self-loathing but today, at least, he had something to do. He had a mission.
    For today, Dick Pinto was going to rid himself of the one person who had contributed most to that self-loathing.
    Today, he was going to kill.
    The thing was, he didn’t want to be punished for the sin he was about to commit. So, he was going to do it in such a way that it would not come back on him. He had been practising with it for months, strengthening his arm, his aim and his determination.
    He stared at the boomerang lying on the table. 
    The act itself might not come back on him but if he missed, the means of committing it would.
    Dick had always seen himself as a passive. He wasn’t even keen on breaking an egg. But today was going to be different. He just needed the chutzpah to get out of the house and find her. For it was a ‘her’ he would target. And what a her. A her that had been part of his life for a long, long time. 
    It had all started in school, when he’d been sat next to her, her being Nancy Rathbone. A child genius, as it would transpire. She was the bane of his life. In school she always had the answer seconds before he was about to thrust his hand in the air. If he got nineteen out of twenty in an exam – she got twenty. And like a shadow she followed him through life. Always there. Always one step ahead. No matter how hard he tried to escape her, he couldn’t. He’d even moved to Australia last year. A desperate attempt to get away. He didn't have the money for the trip and he’d lost his job as a result – but he just had to get away. But he had barely checked into the hotel in Sydney when she arrived on a plane. That was the icing on the cake. She had taken it one step too far. And the means to do it was in his back pack – and now it was time for Nancy ‘Bloody’ Rathbone to die.
    If there was one thing that annoyed Nancy, it was noisy, bloody over-friendly Australians. The grinning air crew had already called her Nancy twice and Nancy had fixed with her frostiest smile each time. 
    ‘If she uses my first name one more time,’ she thought. ‘That stewardess will be on my list.’
     The current list was very small, and only had one name on it. That annoying spotty twerp had been a pain in the derriere her entire life. Everywhere she’d turned he was there. Dick ‘Spotty’ Pinto. 
    The limo pulled up beside the private plane, and she stepped into the calm of the rear seat, pressing the button to lower the glass between her and the driver. The aircon chilled the sweat on her neck, and she closed her eyes, picturing the contents of the secure trunk that now sat beside her. The boss of her firm was pleased with her work, and had allowed her this freebie. Flying her and the trunk halfway across the world was risky and expensive, but for her, it was worth it.
    She pictured the contents and began to fantazise on how she would despatch Dick ‘Spotty’ Pinto. A small red pill. An asthmatic puffer that would cure all ills. A garrotte. A Walther pistol with a silencer. A sniper’s rifle with armour piercing bullets that would turn his head into a pink mist. All that and more lay in the trunk. 
    The limo left the airport, weaving it’s way to the city centre when, slowing at traffic lights, there was a knock on her window. She looked out to see an old Aboriginal man staring at her. She lowered the window. 
    The man leaned in and blew her a kiss before saying, ‘Wanna buy a boomerang?’ In his hands he held a roughly cut boomerang, carved with a multitude of symbols. 
    She started to shake her head, but stopped. She felt woosy.
    “You do, missy,” he said. “You really wanna buy this one. I made this one for just for you.”
    Nancy turned to the chest and inserted the key but the key just wouldn't turn in the lock. The massive chest remained locked tight. Inside she had a way to move the man outside. For he was now standing in front of the car, arms crossed, blocking the way.
     ‘Come with me,’ he shouted.
    The car sat in a bad part of town. Slums the norm but, despite this, Nancy found herself uncontrollably sliding from the car.
    She knew this was a bad idea but something deep inside said she should get out. A voice telling her to go to him.
    Outside the man beckoned her to follow him.
    ‘I mean,’ she thought ‘what could possibly go wrong if I followed a complete stranger with a rather large boomerang.’
    As she got out, the man rounded the car and took her hand. She looked back and froze. Sitting in the car behind was Dick ‘Spotty’ Pinto and, as she was led by the man to a nearby alley, her mouth opened wide.
    Dick ‘Spotty’ Pinto was waving an identical, an absolutely identical, boomerang.
    Nancy felt her jaw hang loose as colours danced in the corner of her eyes. She recognised the symptoms. Devil’s Breath. The old man had pulled the oldest trick in the book. When he had leaned into the car he had blown hallucinogenic dust into her face. Now she would do anything she was told.
    The man pulled her to one side and handed her the boomerang. ‘Take this.’
    She took it from his hands.
    ‘Turn around,’ he whispered.
    She turned and faced Dick ‘Spotty’ Pinto who was emerging from his car. 
    ‘You now love that man. You will do anything he says. Then you will kill him.’
    Dick began to walk towards Nancy, holding the boomerang out in front of him. 
    God, she loved him. She loved Dick ‘Boomerang’ Pinto. Why had she never seen it before. All these years and Dick ‘Boomerang’ Pinto was the stud she had waited for. And now he was here, with a boomerang in hand, playing with it, caressing it – oh, she wanted to be that boomerang – and she wanted to be that boomerang right now.
    Dick Pinto watched as the curse of his life approached him. She had a smile as wide as the Clyde and was fondling her boomerang in a most disconcerting way. She was also striding towards him with purpose.
    Here was his chance. Time to get rid of her. Once and for all. He leapt forward, boomerang high and readied himself to throw it.
    The boomerang never left his hand. Suddenly he was flying through the air. Tackled by a woman dressed in a costume that looked a lot like a giant pair of men’s balls.
    Dick fell to the ground and the strangely dressed woman stood above him, one foot on his chest.
    ‘Who are you?’ he asked.
    ‘Me,’ she replied. ‘I fight crime in this neighbourhood and my name is Miss Tess Tickle and I’m the dog’s bollocks of a crime fighter.’
    The ace crime fighter towered over him. 
    ‘Dick,’ she said.
    ‘Yes?’ he answered.
    She tutted. ‘I wasn’t talking to you,’ she said. ‘I was just making an observation.’
    Tess Tickle grabbed hold of Dick’s boomerang and wrenched it from him. He yelped in a high falsetto but she ignored him as she turned to Nancy. 
    ‘Miss Rathbone, put that boomerang down and step away from that man. You have been induced into skulduggery by a ruthless individual.’
    Nancy, shocked from her trance, dropped the weapon. ‘I don’t understand – what’s happening?’ Nancy asked as the effects of the drug drained away.
    ‘I’ll tell you,’ said Tess. ‘But I’ll do it very quickly because the Four Blokes are running out of time and everyone in this room wants to go home.’
    ‘Dick here has hated you for years and plotted to murder you with a boomerang. However, the person who gave you your own boomerang heard about Dick’s plan and hatched a diabolical scheme . The plan was to have a boomerang duel that would claim you both.’
    ‘But why?’ Nancy asked.
    Tess stood, legs akimbo, hands on hips in the traditional superhero pose. 
    ‘Chaos,’ she said. ‘That person behind you wants to seed chaos wherever and whenever she can by forcing people to kill each other off in the most unusual ways possible. All to give themselves a perverted kick.’
    Nancy turned to the old Aborigine. ‘But who is he?’
    Tess stepped forward. ‘He is not who you think. Or what you think.’ 
    Tess reached up and pulled the rubber mask from the person’s face. She revealed someone who was not unknown to both Nancy and Dick.
    ‘Theresa May!’ They exclaimed in unison.
    ‘Yes!’ proclaimed Tess. ‘This was latest plan to help spread confusion and despair. Like Brexit but on a smaller scale. But I won’t let that happen.’
    And with that, Tess whipped out an extra-long roll of silver paper and wrapped the former prime minister up.
    ‘Curses,’ said Theresa May, ‘foiled again.’
  Thankfully – The End.